Greg Halvorsen, 38, has officially done what every self-help podcast has promised but none has delivered. He achieved complete financial freedom by instantly and forever ceasing to exist.
After years of bravely refusing to learn what “interest” is, Greg finally broke free from the capitalist rat race by exiting the maze entirely.
“One moment he was stress-eating a Pop-Tart over his laptop,” said his cousin Stephanie Halvorsen, “and the next, he was debt-free.”
Greg’s innovative approach to personal finance included ignoring all phone calls from debt collectors and heroically refusing to cancel his Hulu subscription out of what he called “a vague sense of honor.”
While alive, Greg owed money to every major bank, one minor bank, and his brother Steve. But in death, he owes nothing.
“His credit score is technically neither good nor bad now,” said a spokesperson for Experian.
Loved ones will honor Greg’s glorious emancipation at a memorial potluck this weekend. Instead of a traditional eulogy, Greg’s will contains just one instruction, “Tell Sallie Mae to suck it.”
